This is probably going to be very long and not make much sense, as it will probably be a rambling mess.
Ok, so years ago, my cousin (a girl) came out as a lesbian. She had dated guys since she was like 4. Very pretty very popular. Very girly. Al of a sudden, she is this guy clothes wearing short hair androgynous person claiming that she now likes girls and only girls. She dated this one girl for 3 or 4 months, they broke up and then she started to date guys again. She is now no longer a lesbian. I suggested that maybe she was bisexual, and she blew up at me. As if that were the worst thing in the world. Apparently, the only reason she dated that girl and changed everything about herself was because she was pitting her parents against each other. She wanted something and the only way to get it was to make them fight over her. While she was dating that girl, her mom wanted nothing to do with her and neither did her dad. As soon as she went back to being “girly,” they were all over her trying to get her to love them more. And she got everything she wanted. My parents made it very clear when she “came out” that if I ever did that I would be dead.
So, ever since then I have been living a double life. The one my family knows about, and the one they don’t. I have only dated one guy. I had sex with a friend, not my “boyfriend,” and when my mom found out she was like, “so when are you getting married?” And I was like, “we are not getting married, we are just friends.” That did not go over well. My dad and brothers still think I am a virgin, and unless I want to die, it will stay that way.
You may think that they use the phrase “I will kill you if you…” too loosely, but let me assure you, they don’t. They are very serious. Dead serious. I don’t want to make them seem like bad people, but…they kind of are. I don’t agree with them on anything. They are racists, sexist, horrible people. I don’t have the words to describe them. They scare me sometimes.
So back to my friend. We had sex. It wasn’t great. It actually kind of hurt. Apparently my vagina is too shallow? He kept hitting my cervix. Ouch! So my one and only sex partner wasn’t that great. Which is ok, because I didn’t really like him like that anyway. I just don’t know how to say “no” without loosing people. It’s not like I have a ton of friends.
Anyway, I really want to meet girls. Only problem, well there are several problems, but the main one is how do you meet girls? How do you talk to them and let them know you like them? Without getting your ass kicked? Or letting my family find out? Because I really don’t want to die yet. That is kind of shitty. Wanting to date a girl, but asking her to keep it a secret. I would never do that to someone. If I am with you, then I am with you. It shouldn’t have to be a secret.
But seriously, how do you meet girls? Or guys for that matter? Especially in my area? We have no LGBT community that I know of. We have no gay bars. We had one several years ago, but it got nasty real quick. As in people having sex in public for money, and cops getting involved. Gross. What am I supposed to do, date some strange person online that I don’t know, and have them turn out to be a psycho serial killer/rapist? No thank you!
I want to live my life. Apparently, I am going to have to wait a little longer until I graduate from college and get a job far away from home, so I never have to speak to my family again. I turn 26 in two days. This is pathetic and hopeless. I am so tired. Did any of this make sense?